The first crack ripped into my path February 4, 2005…the day my daughter was born.
I easily side-stepped it, floated over in fact…for the first 4 days.
And then, other tears began to appear. They seemed to multiply and spread every day, cleaving into my seemingly solid direction…severing me from my baby and my existence. It was getting harder and harder to weave my way through…
When Monkey-Moo was just shy of 2 months old, my world gave way from under me. I fell. I reached out to grasp at the vitality above, and held on tightly to stop my descent.
My grip lessened every day…until I felt it slipping out of my hands, and I began to plummet again.
I didn’t struggle to hold on any longer…I welcomed the approaching darkness…I didn’t have the strength or will to persevere. I pleaded for the chasms to close up around me…let Life continue on without me…
And thus began my battle with post-partum depression.
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I’m creating a blog for the sole purpose of writing about my depression with the intent of provinding support for other mothers who are in crisis. www.lillithtemple.blogspot.com
lil-
I am going to go check out your new blog, I was very fortunate not to have post with any of my kids. ( wheew!blessed!) but i would really like to read bout your experience. I noticed in one of your comments else where that you do 3??? blogs! wow! where do you find the time? I have been so busy this week I have had about 2 minutes a day to peek and read other folks blogs! ( which honestly I enjoy more than writing my own! )
Thanks! and (((HUGS)))
Thanks you Sorrow! I’m putting blood, sweat and tears into this one…it’s really close to my heart because I’m proud of surviving it and humbled completely by the experience. Erm, I have 7 blogs…but I don’t post on all of them regularily, they just birthed for one reason or another and I don’t have the heart to delete them! (((((hugs)))) back! xo Lil
I experienced this with my second. He just turned seven, and I am just now feeling like I am finally over it.
I ignored it for a long time, and as a result I wound up divorced, and later lost primary custody of my children. (Well not so much lost it, but my depression and lack of confidence in myself as a mother let me give in to their father’s requests/demands in mediation.)
I hope your blog will bring light and hope to mothers in this headspace, and help them find the strength they need to get through it.
Wow Krystyn, it sounds like it was pretty destructive ~ and you’ve had it for this long??!! That is my hope…that my blog will be one of the many that are available now to help women see beacons of hope while on their illnesses path. You and I both know it’s not something that one get over like the flu…it hangs on, and for me, I needed to seek help and put “saftey plans” in place lest I did something I was going to regret when I too came out of it. Thanks for your support! Lil xo
This is an amazing post.
I’m glad you are starting a blog devoted to this subject. I suffered post mildly with my first child. It hit me like a 2×4. I didn’t even want to hold him or look at him. Thankfully, it passed in a short time. When my daughter was born, my doctor put an estrogen patch on my arm and I never suffered that again.
Thanks for your comment on my post today. If you would, e-mail me from your e-mail. I’d love to write to you but can’t seem to find your e-mail.
Peace and love and light,
Jane
x0×0
thanks for your support jane…i’m doing what i can to give back and pay it forward, i wouldn’t have survived PPD without the help of the help i rec’d from the medical staff at the hospitals, group therapy or my family and friends. i just want to get the word out that it’s real, it’s dangerous, but mostly, it can be overcome. Lil
A very brave and self-less thing you are doing here. It’s amazing how many women suffer with this and have nowhere to turn.
I admrie you so much!
thanks bohomom…it’s proving tougher than i thought to get my story out…it’s like pulling a tooth (i know you can appreciate that)….Lil
Lil,
I am honored you stopped by and took in my words. Your writing is beautiful, you are beautiful…
I began taking the placenta pills again last week. I stopped for a bit and felt my world spiraling around me, taking out my pain on my 4 and 2 year old and not soaking in the gooey goodness of the new baby. I already feel better, motivated to eat more, drink more water and get out into the fresh air. Wow. PPD is a strong force. I wonder why it exists? And if it has for always or something that has evolved since mothers are truly tribeless and community-less, isolated and overwhelmed. I know it is real, more real that flesh and blood itself. It hurts.
I look forward to reading you more.
Many blessings and light,
mb
thank you mb, for coming by my space. i often wonder the same thing ~ maybe our diet has contributed to an off-balance hormone system (although some schools of thought say it doesn’t begin with hormones), in my own case it was so many factors, all emotional and mental, and yes, living in a community but not feeling like i was part of one. i was also anemic after her birth, so i had very little energy to interact with my daughter, let alone meet other new moms or even walk in the neighborhood. i can only imagine the nutrients i would have rec’d from her placenta…and it leads down a path where i don’t like to spend alot of time on ~ how would her infancy been for both of us had i been well? now that hurts…which is why writing the story about how i survived will really put those haunting thoughts at peace.
be well mb, i’ll be around your space to see how you’re doing. love, lil