Sacred Sunday ~ intimacy

Isn’t it great to get to know someone just a bit more? It’s the little details that give that person more depth and moves them from a mere acquaintance to a friend…and inevitably you create, together, a web of comfortable fellowship. Sharing is intimate. Sharing is sacred.

That’s one reason I’m doing this particular meme…the other is I’m itching to write but my brain is sucked dry after this weekend. As per the norm here, I’m not tagging anyone, if you like the concept, feel free to post it, but leave your link so I can come and read it!

Do you own a gun? I have a devil’s pitchfork leftover from Halloween, does that count?

what do you think of hot dogs? I personally stick to the veggie kind.

What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Herbal tea…Roobois Chai, Vanilla Hazelnut, Decaf Earl Grey…anything earthy and grounding.

Can you do push-ups? Exercise?? Please, I have a toddler….my biceps are harder than The Hulk’s and I can crack acorns with my thighs. On a good day. On a bad day, I’m lucky if I can unscrew her bottle.

What’s your favourite piece of jewellery? I was given an indian knock-off pink metal bracelet on the day that I graduated from my Holistic course. It was gifted to me by my mentors, in a sacred circle ritual to constantly remind myself of the committment and ability to help other’s heal themselves and to help heal Mother Earth.

What is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex? “Weapons” and “lure” are not words I’d like to associate with starting and sustaining a relationship. Now, my infamous cookies & cream cheese cake…get’s ‘em every time!

Middle name? Noella (see other meme further down)

Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1~ I need to put ice on my neck.
2~ I hear Tom in the shower…maybe I’ll join him.
3~ It’s Monday…where the hell am I going to take my daughter to play so that I can sit and stare and drink my tea??

What time did you wake up today? 4-freaking-30. AM. yeah, I’ll be napping today…

Current hate? Urine splashes on the toilet and floor from boys who daydream while they are taking care of business.

Favourite place to be? Buttermilk Falls, ON…with Tom.

Least favourite place to be? anywhere I have to tend to the task of cleaning my daughter’s poopie diaper (well you asked!)

Where would you like to go? Every-freaking-where. Seriously. I want to see it all.

Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: tea, apple juice, wine…red or white, glass or plastic…

Do you own slippers? The hand-knitted sock ones from Peru. Yep, I’m a hippie…

What shirt are you wearing? A white, waffle-weave long-john shirt. But if it were warmer in hear, I’d like to be wearing nothing!!

Do you burn or tan? I’m of Irish descent…what does that tell ya?

Favourite colour(s)? I like every color on the pantone chart. seriously. ok, maybe not putrid green.

Would you be a pirate? can a pirate dress like a fairy??

What is your favourite holiday? by far, Christmas, although I don’t celebrate it in true Christian form.

What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t. I used to…did I mention I have a toddler??

What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? I always had nightmares of “the dark man” standing at the end of my bed…he terrified me because all he did was stand there, in complete black shadow and breathe.

What’s in your pockets right now? IF I had pockets…snacks for me and my girl…we don’t go anywhere without ‘em!

Last thing that made you laugh? I was reading a Dora book to my daughter last night…having to do with Valentine’s Day…there were crabs in the story…and in Tom’s true sarcastic tone, “crabs, something that gets often passed around on Valentine’s Day!”

Best bed sheets as a child? Charlie Brown and the gang. The pillow case said: (and what I put in my yearbook) Happiness is a perfume you can’t share with others without getting any on yourself.

Worst injury you’ve ever had? Sliced open the back of my head on the coffee table when I was a kid. Screamed like a banshee, bled like a pig and I swear the trauma of having to get stiches was worse.

Are your parents still together? No. Thank Goddess!

Do you wish on shooting stars? you betcha!

What is your favourite book(s)? I’m a bookaholic…that means that there isn’t just one that satisfies my lust.

What is your favourite candy? chocolate, milky or white (you can keep the dark stuff for yourself). I’m a chocoholic too.

How is the weather outside right now? It’s one of those wintery gray days…just right for lighting candles (yes even during the day)!

What was your first thought this morning when you woke up? I’m soo freaking tired (see above question about what time I had to drag my ass outta bed.)

There you have it folks…now I have to go nap before I fall into my tea mug!

Peace and shaking the tree all,
Lil

Sacred Sunday ~ signs of love

I don’t remember writing this letter. I’m sure it was in the middle of the night when sleep just wouldn’t come because I was frantically seeking answers to my new house guest, ANGER. It’s as muddled and raw and scattered as my emotions were then.

Dear Goddess,

Please listen to me because I’m barely able to say this for the shame that it causes me.

I need you help…because I feel as if I am no longer able to help myself, and neither can anyone else. I’ve tried not to ask you…someone like me doesn’t deserve your compassion…someone who has forgotten how precious the hearts and lives are that you have entrusted me with.

I am so ashamed of how I treat the people I love the most Goddess. Tom and Aria don’t deserve my lashing out, my yelling or my resentment to help fulfill their needs, they deserve so much more than I am right now.

I don’t know what I need to calm the rage that I expel, and I don’t know what exactly I’m asking…I just know that if I don’t ask, it’s going to be too late soon, my breaking point is eminent.

Maybe I’m asking for some divine strength…or divine patience…or just some easy-to-spot sign that this storm is going to pass soon and that me and my family will survive it.

And I’m not surrendering, I guess I’ve still got some fight left in me…but I am asking you to please hold the burden of my self-disgust and guilt long enough so that I can remember what it feels like to not want to retreat from all of it.

And crying doesn’t sooth me anymore Goddess, they just seem indicative of how much pain I’m in…and I could cry forever it feels like these days..

And Goddess, can you please buffer my family from my actions and words…they are innocent victims, and if they stop loving me, then there will really be no reason to fight anymore.

My baby…Goddess you sent her to me for a reason, surely it wasn’t to be subjected to my resentful outbursts or my anger directed at her tender soul. Please wrap her in extra thick layers of your love when my own is lacking. If I hurt her in anyway, that would be my final unforgivable act.

I’m waiting Goddess…and I’m watching and listening as much as I can right now…

Thank you for listening and thank you for my family…it’s because of their continuous love during this hell that I haven’t already given up…and mostly, it’s Tom’s unwavering love that has inspired me to write to you.

I’m thankful that I found this again…because I know that no matter how much I beat myself up, my Mother still loves me…and she has sent me angels and words spilling with her unconditional affection.

We are shakin’ the tree Mother WinterMoon!

Mother WinterMoon, this is for you…

This is my way of participating in your healing dialogue “the collective trauma of women”…I couldn’t say it any other way…I tried, I typed, I deleted…and then I searched for words and healing rhythms that matched what’s in my heart.

Solidarity in healing and shaking the tree,
Lil

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree

Waiting your time, dreaming of a better life
Waiting your time, you’re more than just a wife
You don’t want to do what your mother has done
She has done
This is your life, this new life has begun
It’s your day – a woman’s day
It’s your day – a woman’s day

Turning the tide, you are on the incoming wave
Turning the tide, you know you are nobody’s slave
Who can hear all the truth in what you say
They can support you when you’re on your way
It’s your day – a woman’s day
It’s your day – a woman’s day

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree

There’s nothing to gain when there’s nothing to be lost
There’s nothing to gain if you stay behind and count the cost
Make the decision that you can be who you can be
You can be
Tasting the fruit come to the Liberty Tree
It’s your day – a woman’s day
It’s your day – a woman’s day

Changing your ways, changing those surrounding you
Changing your ways, more than any man can do
Open your heart, show him the anger and pain, so you heal
Maybe he’s looking for his womanly side, let him feel

You had to be so strong
And you do nothing wrong
Nothing wrong at all
We’re gonna to break it down
We have to shake it down
Shake it all around

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon, We are shakin’ the tree

wordy wednesday ~ Re-claiming

I love this time of year…when all the food that has been harvested is then preserved to last throught the colder months. Canned fruit and veggies bring me so much comfort. It’s through wee things like this that I find myself reclaiming who I truly am. A woman who prefers to live naturally…with sound ideas and actions of sustaining nourishment for my body and soul.

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I was humbled by the comfort that you all offered & embraced me with in my last post. And I was also comforted by the fact that I am not alone in the ugly swells of anger…. a heartfelt thank you to each of you!

Peace in,

Lil

Sacred Sunday ~ withdrawing

i am tired (so very tired) of being angry

being
more than feeling
more burdensome

it’s maddening

bitterness
animosity
rage
resentment

it sems to be suffocating all that creates joy

w i t h d r a w i n g

to find the s o u r c e s
to hear Their v o i c e s
to c a l m Them
e a s e Them

and in Their place

R E – C L A I M

R E – G E R M I N A T E

R E – V I V E

R E – H A R M O N I Z E

R E – S A N C T I F Y

Sacred Sunday ~ I am

On my strolls in the bloghood the last few weeks, I’ve notice some of my neighbors participating in something called “Sacred Life and Sacred Sunday“. While I enjoyed stopping by and looking at what they considered “sacred”, I didn’t quite get the pull at first. Then as I began to create slots of time…of sanctity…in my own life (starting with my JUST FOR ME night), it became clear to me what other’s have discovered…

…that if I hold a moment, a place, an object, a person, that I cherish, then in that act I am recognizing it as something sacred…something worth noting, someone worth sitting with, someplace worthwhile, and none to be considered mundane. For me, it’s about connecting with Goddess by the gifts and blessings She continues to nourish my heart and soul with. By connecting with the sacredness of my day to day life, I am saying thank you…

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On that sacred night, I created this from a black & white photo of my torso. By writing my truths out on it…on me…I feel as if I have finally connected with my own authenticity. I am finally holding myself with as much reverence as I do everyone else.

I am Beautiful
I am Blissful
I am Bountiful
I am Blessed
I am Sacred

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Thank you all for commenting on my last post. Your encouragement strengthens me to continue to share about something that I now consider a sacred illness.

Peace in all,
Lil

Hello world!

I’m considering moving my blog here…

So that means I’m fooling around with titles, fonts, images…and everything else wordpress will allow me to goof with! Let’s see how this all goes shall we?

remembering hope

I know, I know…I’ve declared myself too busy to post, but I read Grace’s post this morning and I was inspired to talk briefly about hope.

Four days after I found out I was pregnant, I found hope. She wasn’t planned…I was on my way to a life of helping others to heal themselves…but I placed my hand on my womb that day and declared to us both that somehow we were going to do this.

Ten months later I lost hope again as I was diagnosed with post-partum depression.

I haven’t written about that time in my life in fear that the details of my battle would be used to further fuel my blog stalker’s malice.

I’m putting that fear to rest. It’s far more important to talk about my battle scars…to help other’s heal theirs, than to fear the reprecussions of her tortured soul.

Because sharing hope is a far greater cause.

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This was written a year ago in another blog of mine for Mama Says Om, the theme of the week being “fall”.

The first crack ripped into my path February 4, 2005…the day my daughter was born.

I easily side-stepped it, floated over in fact…for the first 4 days.

And then, other tears began to appear. They seemed to multiply and spread every day, cleaving into my seemingly solid direction…severing me from my baby and my existence. It was getting harder and harder to weave my way through…

When Monkey-Moo was just shy of being 2 months old, my world gave way from under me. I fell. I reached out to grasp at the vitality above, and held on tightly to stop my descend.

My grip lessened every day…until I felt it slipping out of my hands, and I began to plummet again.

I didn’t struggle to hold on any longer…I welcomed the approaching darkness…I didn’t have the strength or will to persevere. I pleaded for the chasms to close up around me…let Life continue on without me…

And thus began my battle with post-partum depression.

*

Death and hope are a running theme in my life. I’ll be writing more about it when I get back from the weekend.

Peace and hope from my heart to yours,
Lil

wordy wednesday

I know it’s supposed to be “wordless wednesday” but it’s my blog, ergo my rules…

I’m feeling better, thank you for all your healthy vibes and hugs and extra kleenexes! I’m now giving my family reiki every chance I get to boost their immune system so that we’re all healthy for this thanksgiving weekend…

…which by the way we’re hosting this year, so it means there’s lists broken into sub-lists about who’s coming, what to buy, and the “better get it done before the company comes” list. Why is it the purpose of hanging out with family gets overshadowed by the stress of hosting it?? I’m off meat to ease my digestive challenges and the house is going to be infused with roaster turkey, stuffing and gravy aromas….how the hell is this fair??

I’ve decided that I’m going to say grace this year. Every year it’s assumed in our family that the eldest, or the special guest is honored with this gesture of thanks, but I’m starting my own family tradition. And while my father will have trouble swallowing my “breaking of tradition” (and not hearing “Lord” or “Christ” in the verse)it’s time…

I’ve got a whole wack of posts in draft format about thoughts that have been peaked by being quiet (read: lying on the couch) and watching my family or reading other blogs. I’m looking forward to completing them and posting about anything but the mundaness of my life lately!

Oh, and the feet….yeah, don’t ya just want to gnaw on one of her toes?!

pass the kleenex

I’m down and out with a cold so I don’t have much energy to write other than to say…

…that my saturday “just for me” night was as brilliant and healing as I thought it would be! I painted, I sang and I danced with the candleflames…

Thank you all for your encouragement! You, my blog neighbors never fail to amaze me with your comradery!

Lil